Maxine Derr
My Home Sweet Home Surviving an Abusive Relationship ISBN: 0-9720604-5-6 Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 2004118009 Copyright 2005, Maxine Derr 270 pages, soft cover, b/w photos, 5½" x 8" $14.95 |
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Synopsis
This is a true-to-life story of a rebellious young girl who fell in love with a handsome young man, became pregnant and married at age 16, and who wanted only to make a happy life in her own "home sweet home" with her new husband and children. Her life turns upside down when her husband becomes seriously abusive to her and her four children and she finds herself the victim of not only him, but of her own willfulness not to be proven wrong, and her willingness to sacrifice even physical safety for the dream of a happy home.
The pain causes her to seek salvation through God and her Savior Jesus Christ. She also finds the meaning of a mysterious prophetic dream she had when in the midst of her turmoil. The fact that she eventually realizes her dream of a "home sweet home" after many years of pain and sorrow is living testimony to the power of God in human life and the lessons of yielding to a higher power.
Maxine Derr
Maxine Derr lived the life of the Maxine in this story. She grew up in Michigan and spent most of her life there coping with an increasingly abusive marital relationship. Now in her 70s, she has distilled her experiences into wisdom that she desires to share with other young people who may be experiencing similar conditions and cannot see through the fog of turmoil not only to survive, but to find solution and salvation. She now makes her home in Alaska, living close to two sons and regularly visiting her two other children and grandchildren who "survived" as well.
Table of Contents
| Preface A Prophetic Dream The Early Years Forming the Foundation Doubts and Unsettled Changes A New Love For Life Engagement Promises Many Moves in Defferent Directions Abandonment Years of Endearment Enjoying Life Fully Faith Destroyed Father's Past Secret Revealed Searching For Greener Pastures Life of Hell Predicted Who is at Fault – God Only Knows The Lost Returning Home Abandoned Again Truth in all Circumstances Home Ever Home Afterword... Preview of Next Book... "New Life" Child Be Still, Fear No More Family Tree – Maxine (Bohl) Derr Family Tree – Jack Dean Derr Family Photos and Memorabilia Names Included In This Book |
Excerpts From
My Home Sweet Home
Faith Destroyed
The temperature was getting much warmer and the summer days were nice. The lakes were warm enough to go water skiing and the family had been busy varnishing and painting the boat so it would be ready to use when the weather permitted. The family was anxious to go water skiing and spend some time at the lake; the boys wanted to learn some of the tricks and learn how to run the boat, too. Even though they were quite young, Jack taught them how to drive it and how to be careful and respectful of other boats.
Usually there was an older lady, Mary, at the lake with her son. She just liked to relax on the shore while Jack drove the boat, and she liked to watch Mark for Maxine while she went out in the boat with the family. One day Jack wanted to put Danny on his shoulders while he was skiing, so he got in the water, put the skis on, and Danny got on his shoulders. Jack took hold of the towrope and Maxine operated the boat. Jack motioned for her to give it the gas and she did, and the steering cable broke and the boat started to go around and around. Jack let go of the rope handle, with Danny still on his shoulders. The boat was still going around and around, and Maxine was so scared she didn’t know what to do. Then, finally she went to the back of the boat and grabbed the handle of the motor to steer the boat straight, and of all the places for the boat to head was straight for Jack and Danny. Jack had to push the boat to the side, or otherwise it would have run over him and Danny with the propeller. Maxine was so upset and scared. When it was over and they went back to the dock, Jack yelled and cursed at her.
The owner of the Gibson Boat and Bait Shop told him, “Stop yelling at her, she didn’t do it on purpose, can’t you see she is really upset? And that is no way to be talking to a lady!” Maxine was so thankful that Mr. Gibson said what he did because Jack was embarrassing her in front of all those people on shore. He had been drinking a lot that day and was mean when he drank too much. Jack fixed the cable and then took the boys out to ski and run the boat. The rest of the day Maxine was so tensed up she could not relax as she usually did at the lake. She didn’t go out in the boat anymore that day, so she spent some time with the others on shore and got more acquainted with Mr. Gibson’s wife and daughters. They talked and enjoyed the rest of the day until it was time to go home.
The trip home wasn’t very pleasant; Jack kept harping on how ignorant Maxine was and how she almost killed him and Danny. Then Jackie told his dad, “Dad, she didn’t mean it, she was scared and didn’t realize what to do, just forget about it, you’re okay, aren’t you?”
Maxine thought, “Thanks Jackie, he thinks he never does anything wrong.” Sometimes a day starts out to be so beautiful and so full of fun and joy but trials and tribulations seem to come up and are hard to handle, and words can’t be said because they may not set right, especially when the other person is drinking and does not like criticism and reproof.
They arrived back home and took care of the boat and cleaned up the picnic dishes, then Maxine prepared something to eat for supper. The rest of the evening they watched television before retiring, and no more was said about the incident that happened that day.
These days were long for Maxine. With keeping the housework done, nursing Mark and going to work at the factory, she didn’t get to see Jack very much. He was taking the boat to the lake in the evenings with the boys while Grandma Bohl stayed with Mark, and sometimes he would go by himself. One evening after Maxine had come home from work and finished nursing Mark, she went to bed, but Jack wanted to talk. He said, “Mac, I want you to quit work and stay home or else go on days if you can, because I have met someone I could really get to care for and I am afraid if you aren’t around I will.”
What a shock! “Has it come to this again?” Maxine thought, and all the trust and faith she had in Jack had just vanished in that one second. She had told him back in 1947, “Don’t you ever do it to me again,” and she meant it. After these thoughts came to her mind and she was over the shock, she answered him, “If that’s what you want I will try to get on days so we can be together. If there are no jobs to bid on I will quit work and stay home with the kids, even if it means less money and changing our lifestyle.”
Jack had been turning in some good suggestions at work to save the company money and was getting certificates and rewards for them. He was set-up man and job leader in his department in “B” building and he was also the union steward. He had responsibilities at work and it seemed to be too much for him and he couldn’t handle it. He kept complaining to Maxine about everything going wrong at the shop and said he would like to find work outside of the Michigan. He was getting more and more unsettled, and couldn’t cope with his work, although he didn’t admit that the drinking was his problem.
The boys were back to school now and Maxine had quit her job and was back being a full-time wife and mother and enjoying it, although she missed the people she worked with and the friends she had socialized with at the shop. It was hard getting along without a paycheck and the independence of having her own money when she wanted or needed it. Jack was drinking more and more and it was harder and harder for him to get up and go to work and he was blaming everyone for all of his troubles. Sometimes Maxine would have to throw water in his face to get him up to go to work, and when he didn’t want to go in, he wanted her to call in and lie about him being sick. She refused to lie for him and he would get very upset with her, evidently trying to blame her for his staying out late and not getting his rest. She took him at his word that he would not be attracted to that other person if she stayed home from work, should she have been more cautious and watched out for his meanderings even if she did exactly what he wanted?
Jack was staying out later and coming home drunk and mean, beating on Maxine and pulling her out of bed by her hair and cursing and swearing at her and calling her all kinds of vulgar names. Mark was in his crib at the foot of the bed and when he started to cry and fuss, Jack told him to shut up. Finally, Mark quieted down and went to sleep and so did Jack. In the morning he said he didn’t remember a thing that had happened that night before. Many times abusive behavior would happen and he said he didn’t remember. Anyway, whenever Maxine confronted him about it, he always used that excuse or if it was true, it was the sure sign of an abusive alcoholic. Maxine didn’t have any knowledge about alcoholics and their behavior, but she did know he was getting worse because he was drinking more and not giving any time to sober up in between, even drinking first thing in the morning or afternoon whenever he got out of bed.
In spite of all this, keeping busy with housework, baking, doing laundry that had to be hung up on the clothesline to dry about three times a week, and all the other household chores helped Maxine keep a good spirit; she was happy doing for the family the things she liked doing best. The boys were growing up so fast, and they were now old enough to join the Boy Scouts; this helped them to get acquainted with more of the neighborhood boys. Maxine was able to meet their mothers and help out with some of the scouting activities. Mark was over a year old now and he was a good little boy and never much trouble. He seemed to be able to entertain himself while the boys were away at school or fishing down the road. They would ride their bikes down to the creek about two miles away. Mark liked to play with Blackie, the family cocker spaniel, because the dog would let Mark crawl all over him and play. Mark was never mean to the dogs, he just hugged them and loved them.
Jim and Martha Linsday, with their little boy, Mark, would come out and visit. Both Marks would play together and they became good little friends. Jack and Jim would go hunting sometimes while Maxine and Martha visited and compared the boys’ progress in growth and activities. Then they would prepare something for dinner, because the men would be so hungry when they returned back home from hunting. After dinner the men would clean the game: pheasants, rabbits or squirrels, whatever they shot that day and the women would do the dishes and clean up. These were fun days, laughing and joking and enjoying each other’s company; it was good to have friends come over to spend the evening.
The next day was a beautiful day, and things had gone so well that Maxine went through the day with a hopeful feeling of things getting better and thinking, “If I can try harder to make Jack happy, maybe he will quit his drinking and we can live a normal life.”
She always kept a positive attitude toward her marriage regardless of the abuse. This attitude filled her soul throughout the day and she looked forward to spending the evening with her family. That evening after dinner and when the boys had gone to play with the neighbors, she and Jack decided to watch some television. They turned it on but it kept rolling, the vertical control needed adjusting, so Maxine got behind the television to fix it and Jack, who was sitting across the room on the couch, yelled, “Maxine.” So she stood up and he threw a glass at her.
She ducked and wondered, “What in the world is he doing?”
In another minute he yelled, “Maxine,” again. Once again, she stood up and this time he threw the beer bottle at her and the bottom of the bottle hit her in the forehead. She saw hundreds of Technicolor stars and almost fainted; blood came gushing out of her head. Without even saying he was sorry, Jack said, “We have to go to the hospital emergency room.” Maxine was stunned speechless as she grabbed a wet washcloth and a small towel to soak up the blood.
They arrived at the emergency room and they notified her doctor. In the meantime, they took an X-Ray to see if she had a skull fracture or concussion. While waiting for the doctor in her room, the police came in to take a report of what had happened and she told them, “I am not filing any charges against my husband.”
The police officers looked very surprised and asked, “Are you sure?”
Maxine replied, “Yes, I will forgive him, the Bible tells us to forgive seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22)
During these years they didn’t have shelters for women, the abused-wife syndrome wasn’t heard of and women didn’t have anywhere to go to get away from it, so they didn’t have much choice.
After the police left, the doctor came in her room and said, “The X-Ray shows you have a hairline fracture and you will have to stay in the hospital for twenty-four hours to make sure you don’t have a concussion”
“Thank you, I feel like I need to,” she answered.
The doctor said, “Maxine how much longer are you going to put up with this kind of treatment?”
She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I love him, Doctor.”
But she wondered where Jack was; he had not visited her since her entry in the hospital. She slept well that night and was doing so well the next day they decided to release her. She called Vera to come and get her and she did. On the way back home Vera talked to Maxine and said, “You shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of treatment from anyone.”
Vera didn’t go in the house with her because she was afraid she would say something she would be sorry for.Going in the house, Maxine found Jack waiting for her and he was happy to see her and said. “I waited in the parking lot of the hospital for a long time and prayed you would be alright, then decided I better get home to the boys.” He had Mark with him in the car that night.
For a while after that, things seemed to be going pretty smooth, but then he was back to his same habits again, drinking so much he couldn’t remember what he had done the night before. Several times he took Maxine by the neck and choked her until she could hardly breathe. The older boys would come to her rescue and make him stop. One time, Jack had Maxine down on the kitchen floor and was sitting on her when Jackie hit him in the face real hard and knocked him off of her.
Thanksgiving, 1955 had come and gone and Christmas was almost here. The joy of Christmas helped Maxine to forget the problems she was having at home with Jack and how he had been treating her and hurting her by the physical and verbal abuse, and by telling her she was ignorant and dumb, not to mention the beatings. Anyway, it helped for a while.
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